The Story of the Three Little Pigs
A New Fairy Tale
Told here by Al Lewis
Originally told by Prof. Clifford Black
Once upon a time, right now as a matter of fact, three (3) little pigs, whose names happen to be Needmo, Kneepo and Doomo had an interesting string of events happen to them. This is that story.
Doomo who is a very smart and industrious fellow had quite the childhood. At school, he was always in the library, reading science and technology books, or investigating the encyclopedia, and other reference books. He even studied the dictionary as if it were the most important book in the world, and in fact, read and copied it from cover to cover.
His brother, Needmo, had quit school early, having learned only the fundamental rudiments of reading and writing. Basically, Needmo was limited to just having the ability to call words, (which he believed to be the act of reading) and if you asked him to spell and give you the definitions of simple words like axiomatic or trinitrotoluene, not only could he not spell these words he wouldn’t even bother to try to look them up. He would guess at the meanings and of course, was, always incorrect.
He truly enjoyed living off of the welfare and efforts of Doomo, his very intelligent brother.
Lastly, there was Kneepo, a pitiful excuse of a pig. He never learned to read (at all), was lazy, slept most of the day and only got up to rummage and steal from his brother or other animals in the village.
Well the three little pigs, all, had built themselves homes. Of course, Kneepo built his little domain out of straw, the quickest way with the least effort. It was not very strong, leaked water and he constantly had to scrounge for rags and tin and cast- offs to stuff the roof and to keep it somewhat warm.
Needmo built his place out of branches and limbs that he had found and had lashed together. It did offer a little bit of protection, but he had some of the same problems as Kneepo. So many leaks and openings, obviously not very secure surroundings. Secretly, both brothers envied Do-mo but openly made fun of his fastidious and thorough nature. They would often be overheard joking about how crazy Doomo was because he was busy working on his house all of the time.
Now Doomo built his house out of brick and mortar and he reinforced it with cider blocks and had steel shutters that worked. Delivery trucks were constantly delivering crates and boxes of unnamed items and no one knew what they contained, but when he was finished his house stood tall and secure from just about anything.
At the time there lived in the forest a wolf, a really big bad wolf that knew how to hunt and hunt well and was really good at it. He had tremendous lungs and howled all the time. As you know, one of a wolf’s favorite meals is a succulent pig, boy do they love baby backs.
So one day the big bad wolf happened upon Kneepo out under a tree taking a snooze and as he was about to creep him, Kneepo sensed danger and scurried to his house of straw and this is where the story gets interesting. “Little piggy let me in”, the wolf said. “Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin”, Kneepo responded. So the wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew Kneepo’s pitiful excuse of a dwelling down.
Kneepo, of course hauled ass to Needmo’s house of wood and of course the big bad wolf followed him because all smart wolves, and he was a smart wolf, knew two pigs are better than one. Wolf arrives and starts his same request or demand, “Little pigs, little pigs let me in! He of course got the same answer, “Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins” and as the story goes, the wolf huffed, and he puffed and he blew, a little harder this time, until the house of wood became just a pile of rubble.
So both pigs ran like Wilma Rudolph getting to their brother Doomo’s house. They knocked on the door and shouted, “Doo-mo, please, open up let and us in!” Doomo, as brothers often do, sighed and wondered what these two were up to today. He knew they laughed at him and envied him and used him and quite frankly, he was tired of it. And yet, he let them in, but only into the outer hallway.
“What is it this time”, he asked his wild eyed breathless siblings, and they told him the wolf was on their asses and how he had blown their homes down. “O Lawd, help us” they begged”, pigs are good at begging, especially when they are scared and need something. No laughing this time, they were very sincere. And they knew their brother was going to help them as he always did.
All of a sudden, “BAM, BAM, BAM”! It was the wolf. “Open this goddamn door or I'm blowing it off the hinges and eating all of your porky pig looking asses.” Doomo looked at his brothers and said, “Why did you bring this trouble to me”, they just looked real pathetic and whimpered. So Doomo shouted to the wolf, “Hold on I’m coming out to parlay!” Parlay?? The wolf thought. Just who in hell does he think he is?
Anyway, Doomo went to his closet and strapped on a 1911 .45 ACP in a Galco shoulder holster, the most effective handgun in the world. With a center mass hit it has 100% stop-ability. He opens the door and the wolf sees him and he sees that big ass gun in his hand. “Look” said Doomo, “We both have a problem, you’re hungry and I’m more than tired of these trifling ass pigs leeching off of me so I tell you what.” “You are telling me” bellowed the wolf. “You got it twisted homey I'm the bad SOB in these parts, your worst nightmare and I think I can take you before you fire a round from that pistol.”
Doomo looked unperturbed and unconcerned and then he opened his other hand and in it he had a remote control and he pressed a button on the device and some marvelous things started to happen. On the four corners of his roof, automatic electric Machine Guns rose up and positioned themselves. These weapons were capable of firing six thousand rounds per minute, laying down one bullet per square inch, on a land mass the size of a football field, with laser guided accuracy. On top of the roof he had an automatic .50 cal Barret sniper rifle aimed by a DNA recognition system and Doomo was now holding a wolf hair, between his thumb and forefinger. He said, “I have been saving this just in case you might decide to one day come this way”. The big bad wolf then said, after second thoughts, that he was ready to talk.
They huddled up and the parlay started. Kneepo and Needmo were peeping and wondering what trickery their brother was up to with this big bad wolf. They wanted to know exactly how he was going to fool the wolf into not eating them. The meeting abruptly ended. To the astonishment and horror of his brothers, Doomo and the wolf walked in together. They had napkins and charcoal and plates and knives and they then slowly roasted both Kneepo and Needmo. They made kool-aid and cold slaw to go along with their meal.
Afterwards the wolf said, ‘Well that was good and I want to thank you” and Doomo said, “No need to thank me, as a matter of fact, I want to thank you”. ‘You see I was tired of those two lame asses dragging me down, so thank you again and by the way....... see ya.” “See me?” wolf said, “But why, I thought this was the beginning of a beautiful relationship?”
Doomo then uttered these famous words that are being written and talked about by just about everybody. He said, “Look, you are a wolf and by nature wolves eat pigs, but I’m not your ordinary pig. I am an extra-ordinary being”. Those two things we ate were not my brothers, oh we came from the same mother all right, but true brothers would never behave in that fashion and they never treated me with any degree of respect, so I ate their asses just like I’m about to eat your ass if you don’t break camp and leave me alone.
With that said; he trained that .45 on wolf and slapped him up side the head and fired off a round as he did so. He wanted wolf to know he meant business and he did.
Wolf was knocked silly and senseless, dazed, he found himself on his knees. He struggled to stand on his feet, and now found himself more frightened than he’d ever been in his life. Wolf was even more astonished to see Doomo at the barbeque pit adding more charcoal to the fire. “What are you doing now?” he yelled. To which Doomo replied, “Getting ready to prepare tomorrow’s lunch and I bet you can’t guess who and what I'm having”
Well ole bad wolf forced himself up to his feet and staggered out of Doomo's house and broke into a full sprint, Jesse Owens would have been astounded at his speed, and he was never to be seen in those parts again. Doomo fetched himself a tooth pick, lay back and sipped some cool lemonade and thought, “what a wonderful world.” And, as the story goes, he lived happily ever after.
The moral of this story is, in the future lazy pigs will be dinner.
What do you think?